


RE Banter:  Attack of the Asterisks! (or Happy Birthday Theosymphany!)

by nimrod262, theosymphany



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Fluff and Smut, Humour, M/M, Nivanfield, RE Banter, asterisks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-21 06:20:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4818368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nimrod262/pseuds/nimrod262, https://archiveofourown.org/users/theosymphany/pseuds/theosymphany
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a one-off piece of fluffy, smutty birthday nonsense for my good friend Theosymphany, based on some previous RE Banters (#74-77) we wrote together, some new material, and original RE dialogue (thanks to Capcom). How many can you spot?</p><p>I've put it on AO3 to give it a more permanent home than tumblr offers, but if you look me up there, you'll find an illustrated version!</p>
            </blockquote>





	RE Banter:  Attack of the Asterisks! (or Happy Birthday Theosymphany!)

 

Chris and Piers have been playing hosts to the BSAA's best researchers, theosymphany and nimrod262, who are visiting North America to establish the branch archives. Unusually, Chris and Piers have invited them to stay as guests at their home, the Deuce of Hearts, where Chris has a lot of military and technical literature to catalogue.

Theo usually works in the Oceania branch in Australia; whilst Nimrod works in Spain for the European branch. They have all been corresponding for a long while, but this is the first time they have actually met in person. In their spare time, the two archivists jointly write blogs detailing the fictional adventures of the BSAA's two finest soldiers, using the names of Chuck Bearfield (Chris) and PT Puppy (Piers).

Chris is busy re-arranging his bookshelf. "I see Theo’s taken my flying manual again, the one about what we pilots have to wear underneath our flying suits!"

"Only for the sake of his art he said." Piers replied

"Um, he likes the pictures?" Chris said innocently.

Piers winked at Chris. "Nimrod said he likes them very much! Come and sit down and we'll read the latest installment of Chuck and PT. It's called To Pee or Not to Pee!"

"Oh great, I feel more crazy talk coming on!" said Chris . . .

************************

PT: *looks around* Chuck?

Chuck: *whistles while trickling in the bushes can be heard* *walks back zipping his fly*

PT: *Looks with disdain*

Chuck:What? When you gotta go…

PT: *Blushes*

Chuck: Don’t you ever have to pee?

PT: *rolls eyes* I’m a sniper.

Chuck: So…?

PT: We snipers are trained to hold it in, for hours at a time. But if necessary, say if a Napad is nearby, we just go wherever we happen to be lying-up, silently,in our pants.

Chuck: Ewww! *scratches head* Um’ what happens if you want a…?

PT: *Blushes again* Trust me Captain, you don’t wanna know!

Chuck: *Imagines* Gah, that’s disgusting. From now on when we get home you can wash your own combats!

PT: *pouts*

Later...

Chuck: Hmm,wonder how much longer till the evac gets here.

PT: *smiles* Ahhhh.

Chuck: What are you looking so happy about?

PT: Nothing Captain, nothing at all.

Chuck: Why do all you snipers have to be so stoic? For all I know right now you could be…*looks down in horror to see a puddle spreading beneath PT’s boots whilst PT continues to smile*

Chuck: Damn it PT! You can sit by yourself on the chopper. Finnley can sit next to me for the trip back.

PT: ROOKIE! *rolls eyes*

Chuck: Bad Puppy! When we get home you’re gonna’ get some proper house training lessons. And you can clean your own boots too!

PT *Pouts again* . . .

"That's so OOC, I wouldn't do that in real life!" said Piers, pouting.

"Ha, ha, Ace. I think they've got your number!" Chris laughed.

"Yeah? Well wait until you read the next part, then see how you feel . . . !"

************************

Chuck and PT arrive home late after celebrating the success of their latest mission.  Captain has had way too much to drink.

PT: There you go Captain, just lie down on the bed whilst I go fix us some black coffee. *busies himself in kitchen*

Chuck: *shouts out* PTe, PTeee!

PT: *rushes into bedroom* What is it Captain? *concerned*

Chuck: I’ve been a naughty bear, I’ve had an accident.

PT: What? I don’t believe it. *rolls eyes* and you said I needed house training!

Chuck: I did jusht what you told me…silently…in my pantsh…jusht where I was lying down, er...up, wherever. *giggles*

PT: *laughs* Well, I just might make a sniper out of you yet. *puts arm around Chuck and lifts him to his feet* Come on soldier, bathroom!

Chuck: *stops in doorway* I woof, um, no, I wuve you Puppy!

PT: And I love you too Bearfield, *kisses his Captain on the forehead* only sometimes it’s harder than others!

Chuck:*giggles, stops, smiles* Wheeee!

PT: *stares in disbelief* Not again, how much more is there? *bundles Chuck into the shower*

PT: It's set on cold, you’re not coming out until your sober! *glares at Chuck*

Chuck: I love it when my Puppysh all angry…pleashh don’t leave me *sad look*

PT: *heart melts* Well I could turn the temperature up and join you...*cubicle gets all steamy*

Bearfield: Grrrrr!

Puppy: *sighs* Woof? . . .

"That's outrageous!" said Chris angrily. "Why does it always feel like I'm trapped inside a horror movie when I read these stories?"

"You really don't remember anything, do you?" Said Piers *smirking* "You can't hide from your past Chris, not matter where you go or what you do!"

"What did you just do?" said Chris, "You *smirked*!"

"What!"

"Yeh, in those *aster* thingies, like PT does!"

"That's unsettling!" said Piers, looking *concerned*.

"Hang on! Ah, this next bit's better, more informed and technical." grinned Chris, "Sorta' stuff I like!"

"Oh yeah, that explains why Theo borrowed that air force manual with pictures of pilots just in their pressurised underwear and tight fitting G-suits." Piers chuckled.

"Umm, er, well it was all part of the job! Let's read on . . . !" replied Chris . . .

************************

Chuck: So what’s the longest you had to hold it in for?

PT: Hmm, half a day I suppose. Things are a lot better in BSAA. Most BOWs don’t have very good vision, though I’m still not quite sure about smell. And you?

Chuck: Imagine this. Top priority mission. Squadron in formation across the Atlantic. Flying for hours in the air, thousands of miles from a toilet in any direction.

PT: Uhh. Oh shit.

Chuck: Yeah. Sounds about right.

PT: *eyes widen*

Chuck: No it wasn’t me! I only had the peeing problem.  And that was after mildly dehydrating myself the night before.

PT: Gosh. I’m never sitting in a cockpit again.

Chuck: Actually we’re fitted with what we call ‘piddle packs’ back in the days and we just let go. Of course sometimes, when you’re dog fighting, you do pee in your pants anyway. But yeah, imagine flying one handed. 9 out of 10 would not recommend it!

PT: Well in the Special Forces we actually are encouraged to not leave any traces of ourselves behind, so we have our own bottles and do-do bags to take with us.

Chuck: Fancy. Well nowadays pilots have special undies, if they want them. Bit of a pain in the D to set it up but yeah.

PT: Given your size… I can imagine.

Chuck: *snorts* Hence I’m glad to leave the flying to others most of the time. But hey, if you ever want one of those on the field, let me know and I’ll err, hook you up.

PT: If you want to touch me just say so *winks* . . .

"See, that's more like it," said Chris, "No irony there!"

"Do you even hear yourself?" replied Piers, *hazel rolling* "Ouch, please don't punch me in the shoulder babe!"

"Shit, it's those nasties again!" said Chris. *alarmed* "Where are they coming from I wonder?" *heavy brow furrowed*

"Now you're doing it as well - *asterisks!*" said Piers, *looking worried!* . . .

************************

Later, Chris is putting some borrowed military manuals back on the shelf. A piece of paper flutters down from one of the books. Like a striking snake, Piers’ hand swiftly catches it in mid-flutter.

"Oh, what’s this? *sharp hazel scans the page*

"What is it Pup? *deep brown, perplexed*

"Look, two references, with the same phrase in them, and the name Tim, my brother’s name, the way he ends his texts!"

**1.….So I guess that’s the Universal Truth here, “Cometh the hour, cometh the man”, am I right?**

**2.….but he personally believes that cometh the hour, cometh the man and that would always remain his style of leadership.**

**3....GG bro. Tim**

'Well, you’re the cryptography expert on Alpha Team. Should be easy for my Ace." said Chris, *patting gelled latte*

"I can’t make any sense of it." answered Piers, *re-fixing gelled latte*

"Well I know how we can figure it out. *beams* We can ask Theo and Nimrod when they come back this evening. I did some research of my own, they’ve both got birthdays this month; actually it's Theo's tonight, so I thought we’d cook them a meal. Didn’t I tell you?" *innocent*

"No, you didn't! I suppose you’ll want me to prepare something fancy….as usual?" Piers said, *pouting*

"Exactly, whilst I play the genial host to the BSAA’s top archivists."

"You mean you do the drinks!" said Piers, *laughing*

"See Ace, you guessed that clue easily enough!"

"Hmm," said Piers, “Nimrod normally lives in Spain and Theo’s from Oz. I know! I’ll cook Bull’s wotsits for starters and Kangaroo D for a main! All washed down with a nice glass of ‘Koala’ Burgundy"

Chris, *suddenly looking pale* B,..b,..u... Bull’s thingies and Kangaroo D? *eyes water, crosses legs* Um,...change of plan…we’ll eat out!

Piers: Oh, and I was **_so_** looking forward to cooking…*satisfied smirk*

Chris: "We're doing it all the time now!" *worried*

Piers: "I . . . I don't think I'm ready for that.  I mean, who talks in *asterisks* in real life?

Chris: Shrugs shoulders *Search me!* he said.

Piers, *OMG! You just did it again! We both did! And now we're talking like them too! Announcing ourselves!*

Chris: *This is some weird shit, are we turning into our cartoon characters?*

Piers:Let's look at that coded message again, perhaps if we solve it, it might help us out of this situation.

Chris: 'GG', hhm, Gee Gee, oh yeah! And 'bro', well these kids shorten everything nowadays, so 'bro' is . . . Got it! "Piers, Oh, I'm so so sorry!" *sad look*

Piers, "What! *incredulous* What are you on about babe?"

Chris: "Your horse is dead!"

Piers: "My horse is . . . .?"

Chris: This message from your brother, it's in that urban slang stuff, 'GG bro' is short for Horse broken, i.e. your horse is dead! Did you have him long?"

Piers: *Hazels roll, and then roll a bit more* "Chris I don't have a horse, I've never had a horse! 'GG bro', means 'Good Game brother' it's the way he signs off, it's a gamers thing, like when we role play with Marco."

Chris: "Oh, but I was close!"

Piers: "Close! What close like some other 'close' thing that's a million miles away, but you're one foot in front of . . . Ow, stop doing that Chris!"

Chris: "That's another thing you get from your cartoon character, sarcasm! Bad puppy!" *Ruff pricked up his ears and went and hid in the kitchen.*

Piers: Mumbling to himself, *So help me, grrr!*

Chris: *I think reading all these cartoons is having a bad effect on us!*

Piers: It's like that fan who keeps getting salacious images of Chuck and PT, you know, like with their *D's* and *B's* out. I mean, that's not really like us, is it?"

Chris: Oh, you mean the porn?"

Piers: No Chris, when they're commissions its art! It's called irony!

Chris: "But still with *D's* and *B's*?"

Piers: "Well, um, yes, thinking more like Michelangelo's David."

Chris: "Hmm, he's got a nice butt, smooth, almost as good as yours, good hair too! So where does that get us?"

Piers: "I'm not sure really; I think it was just someone’s idea of a plot filler!" *frowns*

Chris: "You're doing it again! Those astrakhan thingies" *heavy brows furrow* "Sorry, that was me that time!"

Piers: "Like I said, irony!”

************************

Much later, on their way to meet Chris and Piers, Theo and Nimrod talk in the taxi:

“I love the way Chris keeps giving Piers little love taps!” Theo chuckled.

“You can see Piers gritting his teeth and getting angrier and angrier.” Laughed Nimrod.

“Love hurts.”

“It does when you’re in love with Chris Redfield!”

"I think the sex is far hotter than we write it though!" said Theo.

"Yeah," replied Nimrod, "Did you hear them upstairs last night? Whoo, way to go boys! They kept me awake all night."

"Me too, all that growling and roaring, we should get it written down!"

"Good idea Theo, though I don't know if my heart will stand the strain of another night! Don't they ever get tired?"

"I think it's a case of life imitating art!"

"Or porn!"

Later that evening in the restaurant, enjoying steak and mashed potatoes:

Chris: "So what was all that code stuff on that piece of paper guys? We've been trying to figure it out all day!"

Piers: "And you mentioned my bother too!"

Chris: And it gave us an attack of asteroids! *heavy brow knitting*

Piers: *Asterisks Chris! They’re called asterisks!* *hazel rolls again* . . . "Agh! Damn it Captain!"

"Ha, ha, well it was just a note from Nimrod." said Theo, "One of us will write something in our own blog, and the other has to find a way of writing the same thing in theirs. This time we had to put in 'Cometh the hour, cometh the man'."

"And my real name is Tim." said Nimrod, "So 'GG bro, Tim' was just me signing off, it wasn't about your brother at all Piers!"

Chris: *Ha, I knew it had to be something simple! They both got you there Ace!*

Piers: *Rolls eyes*, "Yeah, like you had a clue, Mr Piers your horse is dead! . . . Ouch! Redfield, will you friggin stop doing that!"

Theo and Nimrod: *roll eyes!* "Don't blame us, we didn't write this stuff!"

Chris: "Well, if it isn't you, and it's not us, who is writing it?" *perplexed*

Piers: *I think it's Chuck and PT, their dialogue is leaking in from a Resident Evil AU!*

Chris: *Careful, these enemies are different! Do it now Piers, give them the shot!*

Chuck and PT: *in unison* I think we overstayed our welcome!

"As long as you don't cross the line again, that won’t be a problem." said Piers.

"You know why you guys lost? It's because you lack the teamwork we have!" Chris said, glaring at Chuck and PT as they left . . .

************************

Later, Chris and Piers are in the gents.

"Theo and Nimrod both seem like nice guys Ace."

"Yes," said Piers, “it’s a shame they've got nothing better to do than write fan fiction in their spare time!"

Well, their everyday work must be kinda' dry and boring. Perhaps we spice things up for them!" Chris grinned.

"Yeh, I wonder how they'll write this visit up?

"Hhm . . . hopefully without *asterix*! . . . Ouch! What was that for?"

“For the last time Chris, they’re called asterisks, and that was me getting one in first!”

Chris leans in for a kiss. "Mmmm, I love it when you get all dominant Ace!”

Whilst Chris and Piers are away, Theo and Nimrod enjoy a glass of ‘Koala’ Chardonnay together.

"So, do you think we should make the characters more realistic? Piers is certainly way sexier than PT. His booty is so pert and those lips are so full up-close!" said Theo.

"Yes," Nimrod replied, “Chris is even more muscly than Chuck, and OMG! those guns! And I love all that stubble!"

"Well, let's try it, see how it goes!"

"OK, the only problem is the fans might not believe us. How could real-life people be so perfect?"

"Only one way to find out Nimrod . . ." Theo raises his glass ". . . To Nivanfield!"

Nimrod, now rejoined by the boys "To Nivanfield! And to you too Theo, Happy Birthday!"

Theo: *blushes*

**Author's Note:**

> Chuck and PT are characters from a favourite childhood TV programme called ‘The Whirlybirds’. They were both helicopter pilots, and PT was my hero!


End file.
